9th September 2019

White Mist On The Moutain

Look. White mist swept over the mountains as if a sheet had been placed over them. Mist rose up to swallow the snow. Freezing balls of snow came hurtling down the slopes before disappearing. You were the lone warrior, facing the white, swirling army.

Listen. Wind howled as trees, desperate to hold their ground, kept standing. The morning temperature lowered as if being pushed down. Sounds bust out as the howling wind dropped in volume. A bird rocketed up, escaping the cold below. Its wings made a flapping sound as it zoomed by. But as the wind changed, the mist kept up its storm down the mountain.

Feel. Your eyelids were growing heavy from lack of sleep. The clouds stood in front of the sun, changing the colour. The blows. The howling. The mist. All these make the mountain worse. The cold took stabs at you as soon as you warmed up. It seemed as if you took another step you would have been blown over. Losing your balance was one action you couldn’t do. You stood, frozen, as the mist army came running down the slopes. The wind behind them, as if pushing them closer. You stood there frozen to the spot. You had a strong stance. There was only one word that fitted this place “defeated” . You felt like you were facing walls of ice on all sides, and they were closing in. Hands of snow grabbed at your ankles as you stood rooted to the spot.

Smell. The wind blows the smells to you. It crawls up your nose and spreads over your body. You smell the leaves dancing to the ground. The smell of pine busts through the trees. The two smells battle under your nose desperate to gain control. The smells float and drift around you.

Look. Dark sky grabs your vision as if you had been blindfolded. You’re stuck trying to see with vision taken away from you. It was as dark as a moonless night. Stars helpless with no light, with no moon I felt the end of life was coming soon.

Feel. You feel the moonless sky looking down on the dark shapes that blanket the earth. Air slices into your body dessprate to cover every inch of body. Your jaket create’s a sheild that blocks the wind smashing into you.

Listen. The silence seemed so loud all of a sudden. No sound broke the silence as fear rose up inside of you. The sound of nothing. Trapped. Death. Darkness. The crashing snow wave came charging down the moutain. The avalanche and mist met and battled as though some war cries were thrown out as they prieced the dark silence. You, the lone warrior, dropped your hands as you disappeared down the mountain.




 


 
 
 

 
 

Join the conversation! 2 Comments

  1. Instead of hear you should put listen.
    I think you have probably overdone writing about the different senses. I would choose one of your weaker paragraphs and remove it. I would suggest the Taste one is a little forced.
    At times your writing is too literal and not creative enough. Almost too much is happening in your scene. Think about how you could have less going on but more descriptions of it.

    Reply
  2. Patrick some of these language features don’t fit that well with what you are trying to achieve.

    For example

    Air swishes through your body as you feel it rush through you

    The last smell paragraph doesn’t add anything to the piece.

    Compare your writing to the exemplars and see if you can tidy up anything that doesn’t fit.

    Reply

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